1.
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Dov Davidoff
2.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
Dov Davidoff
3.
If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.
Dov Davidoff
4.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Dov Davidoff
5.
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
Dov Davidoff
6.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Dov Davidoff
7.
Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
Dov Davidoff
8.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
Dov Davidoff
9.
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Dov Davidoff
10.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Dov Davidoff
11.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
Dov Davidoff
12.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Dov Davidoff
13.
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
Dov Davidoff
14.
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
Dov Davidoff
15.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
Dov Davidoff
16.
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
Dov Davidoff
17.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.
Dov Davidoff
18.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Dov Davidoff
19.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Dov Davidoff
20.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Dov Davidoff
21.
MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
Dov Davidoff
22.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Dov Davidoff
23.
The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
Dov Davidoff
24.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Dov Davidoff
25.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Dov Davidoff
26.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Dov Davidoff
27.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
Dov Davidoff
28.
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Dov Davidoff
29.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
Dov Davidoff
30.
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
Dov Davidoff
31.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Dov Davidoff
32.
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Dov Davidoff
33.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
Dov Davidoff
34.
Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
Dov Davidoff
35.
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
Dov Davidoff
36.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Dov Davidoff
37.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
Dov Davidoff
38.
Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
Dov Davidoff
39.
People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.
Dov Davidoff
40.
People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Dov Davidoff
41.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
Dov Davidoff
42.
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.
Dov Davidoff
43.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
Dov Davidoff
44.
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Dov Davidoff
45.
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
Dov Davidoff
46.
I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.
Dov Davidoff
47.
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
Dov Davidoff
48.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Dov Davidoff
49.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
Dov Davidoff
50.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Dov Davidoff
