Gavin de Becker Quotes

We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning.

And why do we worship hindsight (as in the news media's constant rehash of the day, the week, the year) and yet distrust foresight, which actually might make a difference in our lives?

intuition is always right in at least two important ways; It is always in response to something. it always has your best interest at heart

"No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you... Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it.

It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different - men and women live in different worlds. [...] At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.

Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn't so.

I've successfully lobbied and testified for stalking laws in several states, but I would trade them all for a high school class that would teach young men how to hear “no,” and teach young women that it's all right to explicitly reject.

Persistence only proves persistence-it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn't mean you are special-it means he is troubled.

You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.

Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.

Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.

The solution to violence in America is the acceptance of reality

The hijacking of an American jet in Athens looms larger in our concern than the parent who kills a child, even though the one happens rarely, and the other happens daily.

When dreaded outcomes are actually imminent we don't worry about themwe take action. Seeing lava from the local volcano make its way down the street toward our house does not cause worry it causes running. Also we don't usually choose imminent events as subjects for our worrying and thus emerges an ironic truth: Often the very fact that you are worrying about something means that it isn't likely to happen.

Every day people engaged in the clever defiance of their own intuition become, in midthought, victims of violence and accidents. So when we wonder why we are victims so often, the answer is clear: It is because we are so good at it.

Denial is a save now, pay later scheme.

Throughout history, fairly arbitrary lines drawn on maps have determined who prospers and who needs, who eats and who starves, who attacks and who is attacked, who lives long and who dies young. Oh, we have been slaves to those lines for so long.

I encourage people to remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

When a baby is born the mother in particular enters into a new larger relationship with the world. She has become connected to all people. She is part of keeping us on earthnot the "us" comprised of individuals but the species itself. By protecting this one baby this gift a mother accepts life's clearest responsibility.

No matter how famous the victim, no matter how powerful the advocates, it simply isn't always possible to control the conduct of other people.