Michael R. Burch Quotes

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.

Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.

Rand Paul tried hard to upstage Donald Trump at the first debate, talking tough about his guns and his right not to register them. But with his pixie-ish perm, Paul does not impress me as the gunslinger type. Rand Paul is the RuPaul of politics. He would do better to defend his right to carry an unregistered blow-dryer and curling irons.

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?

If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.

Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since "trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison.

Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End."

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Toupée or not toupée for professional government: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his clothing lines.

What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.

Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.

Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people?

Every political card played by Jeb Bush has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.

Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged.

Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo.

Epigrams delight us into wisdom.

When Donald Trump becomes president, he'll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all the latest and greatest blowdryer technology.

I'll not! The gents are impressed with the way that I'm dressed. I wouldn't change even one spot.

I lived as best I could, and then I died. Be careful where you step: the grave is wide.

Perhaps love doesn't make the world go round, but it makes the bumpy ride worthwhile and provides a glorious destination.

Love is either wholly folly, or fully holy.

Hell hath no fury like a frustrated fundamentalist whose God condemned him to "hell" for having "impure thoughts."

How can the Bible be "infallible" when from Genesis to Revelation slavery is commanded and condoned, but never condemned?

The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!"

President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by you-know-who.

These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.

Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies and busted so many companies that his children now have receding heir lines.

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.

Donald Trump just pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off.

Life's saving graces are love, pleasure, laughter ... wisdom, it seems, is for the Hereafter.

The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can't relate to other people.

There's no better tonic for other people's bad ideas, than to think for oneself.

If every witty thing that's said was true, Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!

If God is good half the Bible is libel.

Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed

Abbesses' recesses are not for excesses!