Roseanne Barr Quotes

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice NEVER attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Being nuts is its own reward.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.