1.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Roseanne Barr
2.
Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.
Roseanne Barr
3.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Roseanne Barr
4.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr
5.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr
6.
Excuse the mess but we live here.
Roseanne Barr
7.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
Roseanne Barr
8.
Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
Roseanne Barr
9.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
Roseanne Barr
10.
I call myself a 'domestic goddess.
Roseanne Barr
11.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Roseanne Barr
12.
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
Roseanne Barr
13.
Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.
Roseanne Barr
14.
A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.
Roseanne Barr
15.
Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.
Roseanne Barr
16.
Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice NEVER attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
Roseanne Barr
17.
I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.
Roseanne Barr
18.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
Roseanne Barr
19.
Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.
Roseanne Barr
20.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Roseanne Barr
21.
There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
Roseanne Barr
22.
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
Roseanne Barr
23.
Being nuts is its own reward.
Roseanne Barr
24.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
Roseanne Barr
25.
Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.
Roseanne Barr
26.
I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
Roseanne Barr
27.
Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.
Roseanne Barr
28.
Comedy is the only hope for humanity.
Roseanne Barr
29.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr
30.
I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.
Roseanne Barr
31.
Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.
Roseanne Barr
32.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
Roseanne Barr
33.
I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
Roseanne Barr
34.
Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
Roseanne Barr
35.
My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.
Roseanne Barr
36.
This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
Roseanne Barr
37.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
Roseanne Barr
38.
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr
39.
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
Roseanne Barr
40.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Barr
41.
Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
Roseanne Barr
42.
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
Roseanne Barr
43.
I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
Roseanne Barr
44.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
Roseanne Barr
45.
I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.
Roseanne Barr
46.
Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.
Roseanne Barr
47.
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.
Roseanne Barr
48.
I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'
Roseanne Barr
49.
Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.
Roseanne Barr
50.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr
