Art Buchwald Quotes

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Every once in a while your world stands still... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.

New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

This is what makes me happy: ...Any music-free restaurant ... A grandson who offers to clean the snow off my driveway and also fix my computer ... An evening in bed with a good book. ... A good night's sleep ... As you can see, it doesn't take much to make me happy.