Artie Lange Quotes

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.