Fran Lebowitz Quotes

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

My favorite animal is steak.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

The terrible state of public education has paid huge dividends in ignorance. Huge. We now have a country that can be told blatant lies - easily checkable, blatant lies - and I'm not talking about the covert workings of the CIA. When we have a terrorist attack, on September 11, 2001 with 19 men - 15 of them are Saudis - and five minutes later the whole country thinks they're from Iraq - how can you have faith in the public? This is an easily checkable fact. The whole country is like the O.J. Simpson jurors.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

A salad is not a meal, it is a style.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

While clothes with pictures and/or writing on them are not entirely an invention of the modern age, they are an unpleasant indication of the general state of things. ... I mean, be realistic. If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

What do they do in these [private] clubs, anyway? Sit around saying things like 'Thank God I'm here. No Jews! What fun! This is living, huh? Look! No Jews! I don't know when I've had a better time. And no women! Just men! And no blacks! Just whites! White men! White men who are not Jewish! It doesn't get any better than this.' To some people, apparently, this is a perfect description of injustice. To me, this is a perfect description of a gay bar in Iceland.

You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.

You sit or stand in the subway, and you look around - I do, because I don't have a phone so I'm not playing a game - and you see people.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I wouldn't say that I dislike the young. I'm simply not a fan of naïveté.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two-thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature, I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.

The downfall of most diets is that they restrict your intake of food.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.

I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.

There's also the idea in this country [USA], it's not wholly new, but it's new in its kind of purity, in that you have to be really smart to be really rich. I always say to people, the reason people believe this is a) they've never met a really smart person, and b) they've never met a really rich person. I have met both, and I cannot see the crossover. You do not have to be a genius to get rich. You have to be ruthless to get rich.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Tolerance is really a better thing than understanding. Because it doesn't agitate against human nature.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.

No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.