Bill Bailey Quotes

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

Work hard, save and live within your means.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!