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Funny Quotes

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Mark Twain

Do not engage in verbal sparring with those of limited intellect, for they will drag you to their level and outwit you through practice.
Authors on Funny Quotes: Mitch Hedberg Steven Wright Dave Barry George Carlin Mark Twain Oscar Wilde Rodney Dangerfield Henny Youngman Groucho Marx Jerry Coleman Woody Allen Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf P. J. O'Rourke Jim Gaffigan Demetri Martin Dylan Moran Rita Rudner Eugene Ormandy Charles Dickens Bob Hope Chris Rock Confucius Will Rogers Yogi Berra Samuel Goldwyn Chelsea Handler Bill Bailey George Bernard Shaw Emo Philips Ellen DeGeneres Bill Cosby Frankie Boyle Ronald Reagan
today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie

Reflect on the fact that yesterday's apprehensions are today's realities.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey

Assuming the world will be equitable to you due to your moral character is akin to assuming a bull won't charge at you because of your dietary preferences.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers

When I pass away, I want to depart like my grandpa who left this world calmly in his slumber. Not yelling as if all the individuals in his vehicle.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

The disparity between foolishness and brilliance is that brilliance is bounded.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes

'Swiftness of light surpasses the velocity of sound, accounting for why some seem smart until they open their mouths.'
I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
Victoria Wood

I have never grasped the concept of elation. If I wanted to become parched and cavort with a crowd of strangers, I could attend a Wesleyan hoedown.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is a fool, and anyone going faster than you is a lunatic?
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein

Males wed females expecting that they will remain the same. Females join in matrimony with males desiring them to transform. Unavoidably, both are let down.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

When a man holds the door for his better half, it's either a new set of wheels or a new relationship.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Mark Twain

Leaders and nappies must be altered frequently, and for a similar motive.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
Norman Wisdom

'As you advance in years three occurrences come to pass. The initial one is your recollection fades, and I'm unable to recall the other two.'
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist informed me I was mentally unstable and I retorted that I desired a different opinion. He replied affirmatively, adding that I was unsightly as well.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

When I was young, I heard that anyone could ascend to the highest office. Now, I am starting to believe it is plausible.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill

'Those who oppose you demonstrate that you have taken a stance at least once in your life.'
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
Lewis Grizzard

Summon a dog and it will do whatever it takes to reach you. Dogs are motivated by approval. Summon a cat, however, and its response is more likely to be 'What's the benefit for me?'
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

I'm going to locate a female I don't care for and bestow her with a residence.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin

A day without merriment is an unproductive one.
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!
Martin Luther

Whoever quaffs beer, they slumber swiftly; whoever slumbers long, does not transgress; whoever does not transgress, ascends to Heaven! Therefore, let us swig beer!
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller

The loveliest and most exquisite treasures in life cannot be perceived or even grasped - they must be experienced with the soul.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

We expend the first year of our children's lives instructing them to move and converse, and the following twelve months imploring them to take a seat and stay quiet.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama

If you feel you don't have the power to make an impact, try sleeping with a gnat.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

The clearest indication that sentient life is present elsewhere in the cosmos is the lack of any attempts to make contact with us.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

Absolve your adversaries, yet never erase their identities.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

'A successful man is one who earns more than his partner can spend. A successful woman is one who can secure such a person.'
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz

Do not fear the termination of existence today. It is already a new day in Australia.
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
Robert Fulghum

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.
George Washington Carver

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A. A. Milne

'It is often claimed that nothing is impossible, yet I demonstrate the contrary every day.'
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I realized that people seem to become more studious of the Bible as they age; then it struck me that they are preparing for their ultimate test.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Mark Twain

'If you don't keep up with current events, you're in the dark. If you do follow them, you're misguided.'
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly

'Before condemning someone, experience life through their perspective. After that who matters?... They're far away and you have their perspective!'
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Lewis Grizzard

There's nothing innately salacious about sex, but if you put forth great effort and use your creativity you can surmount that.
I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.
Roddy Piper

I arrived here to battle and show my might. And I'm out of ammunition.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

If life throws you a curveball, you should make the best of it. And seek out someone whose situation offers an opportunity for celebration.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

It is wiser to stay quiet and risk being deemed a fool than to utter words and leave no uncertainty.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss

Cherish the memories of what has passed instead of mourning its departure.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

I think that when life throws you a curveball, you should make the most of it... And search for someone whose luck has delivered them with spirits, and celebrate.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde

Faith is like a sightless individual groping in an ebony chamber for a non-existent black feline and discovering it.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright

'The quick one reaps the benefit, but the second to act takes the prize.'
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
Gene Wilder

Creation, my dear mates, is 93% toil, 6% current, 4% vaporization, and 2% caramel ripple
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'
Sigmund Freud

The long-standing conundrum that has evaded resolution, despite three decades of exploration into the essence of femininity, is 'What does a woman crave?'
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire

The only enigma in life is why the suicidal pilots donned headgear.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln

'The greatest blessing of the future is that it unfolds gradually.'
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection

I was born to err, not to fabricate flawlessness.
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
Oscar Wilde

Women are intended to be cherished, not deciphered.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
Harry Emerson Fosdick

'Maligning people is like destroying your own abode to eliminate a rodent.'
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday

Attending a place of worship does not automatically confer religious status in the same way that entering a workshop doesn't turn one into a vehicle.
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
Indira Gandhi

My grandpa once instructed me that there were two sorts of individuals: those who accomplish the task and those who accept the applause. He urged me to strive to be among the former; there was substantially less rivalry.
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
Ellen DeGeneres

'Romance often starts with a roaring cascade and concludes amidst a dripping faucet.'