Billy Crystal Quotes

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

Change is such hard work.

My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love.

For almost 40 years, he was the brightest star in the comedy galaxy... Their beautiful light will continue to shine on us forever. And the glow will be so bright, it'll warm your heart, it'll make your eyes glisten, and it'll make you think to yourselves: Robin Williams, what a concept.

Consider the rose...The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place

Nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are.

I've always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That's why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

I'm going to go on just living and laughing and loving.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.

It is better to look good than to feel good.

What's so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you're constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that.

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

You give up your dream, you give up.

A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.

Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries.

You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.

This time I particularly loved because it came from a real experience with my grandchildren. Having them alone alone for the first time for six or seven days and going "Wow, this is exhausting," because when you're not around little ones for a long time, you forget about how much work that is. So I came in and started writing the story that became this movie ['PARENTAL GUIDANCE'].

As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.

I think when I feel I'm at my best is when I'm on stage, and it's my version of jazz because it's just riffing or something.

It's money. I remember it from when I was single

I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.

Gentlemen, start your egos!

That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.

I'm going to be your grandpa! / I have the biggest smile. / I've been waiting to meet you for such a long, long while.

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that.

Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.

You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they're raising them. You can't push your way into areas where you shouldn't be saying anything. You have to always remember they're not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death - then hand them back.

Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday.

I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet. That's why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.

I quit drinking. That was a big problem for a lot of years. Then after that, I just started feeling grateful again.

When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, What's he doing hitting the government?

I'm married - I've caught my limit.

I didn't rebel as a child. I missed that angry teenager thing.

Don't give up your power.

When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

Despite what The Wall Street Journal says, our awards are the best-kept secret in America, with the possible exception of what George W. Bush did in the '70s.

I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.

My mind is always going. I'm always thinking what I need to do, what I haven't done, what I did do, what I didn't do as well as I could - I'm relentless that way with myself.

[I did impressions] of relatives because I heard so many different sounds. My dad was in the music business and of course my uncle was a giant [music producer], but my dad in particular had the house filled with these Dixieland jazz stars.

Bambi, to a kid, was scary.

[My mother] is the greatest hero I'll ever know because she kept us all together, she made sure we all graduated college. She always believed in us no matter what we do. My older brother Joel became an art teacher; my brother Rip ultimately became a television producer and singer and actor himself.

I never stopped believing in us and I never felt like I was wanting for anything, except for my father, and that was not going to be. I describe in the book [that] I don't think I ever felt young again in that way. I never felt I had my 15, 16, 17 kind of years the way I maybe should have. It's a huge dent in you that it's hard to knock out and make it all smooth again.