Dave Chappelle Quotes

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

Things like racism are institutionalized. You might not know any bigots. You feel like "well I don't hate black people so I'm not a racist," but you benefit from racism. Just by the merit, the color of your skin. The opportunities that you have, you're privileged in ways that you might not even realize because you haven't been deprived of certain things. We need to talk about these things in order for them to change.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Hey hey hey, smoke weed everyday

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the United States, but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God, I hope it lands in Hartford.

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

Why is Dave Chappelle going to Africa? Why does Mariah Carey make a hundred-million dollar deal and take her clothes off on TRL? A weak person can not get here and talk to you. Ain't no weak people talking to you. So what is happening in Hollywood? Nobody knows! The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit. These people are not crazy, they're strong people. Maybe the environment is a little sick.

The only way you can know where the line is, is if you cross it.

You got to be careful of the company you keep.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

Constantly take inventory of what's important to you.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

I have angst in my life, but I'm like anybody. We all have angst in our lives that we pick up and fidget with and then we put down and look at some other things that make us feel good or enjoy our lives.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian, what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Ralph Nader has slavery reparations on his platform, which makes me think he's not serious. If he thought he could win he wouldn't even say that.

Once you been performing on the streets you can conquer any venue.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

There's not too many people that don't think I'm crazy, for walking away from so much money. I'm at a restaurant with my wife, it's a nice restaurant, we're eating dinner. I look across the room, I say, 'You see this guy over here, across the room? He has $100 million.' And we're eating the same entree. So, OK, fine, I don't have $50 million or whatever it was, but say I have $10 million in the bank. The difference in lifestyle is miniscule.

When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

You've got to say 'yes' to your destiny. Life's happening right now, look around you. There goes some life. Come on, Mamma, live!

They do what they do for money - that's all. I don't even know why you're listening to me. I've done commercials for both Coke and Pepsi. Truth is, I can't even taste the difference, but Pepsi paid me last, so there it is.

Comedians by and large are some of the most sensitive people on earth. Even if they're socially callous.

I have a very good life, a high quality of life. I have both money and time. No one has that.

I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interest in controlling you.

I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.