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David Cross Quotes

English violinist, Birth: 23-4-1949 David Cross Quotes
1.
Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...
David Cross

2.
I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.
David Cross

3.
Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.
David Cross

4.
I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative
David Cross

5.
You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.
David Cross

Similar Authors: Henny Youngman Eugene Ormandy Itzhak Perlman Yehudi Menuhin Joshua Bell Shinichi Suzuki Gustavo Dudamel Andre Rieu Isaac Stern Jean Sibelius Neville Marriner Nigel Kennedy Jascha Heifetz Fritz Kreisler Ruggiero Ricci
6.
We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.
David Cross

7.
Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
David Cross

8.
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
David Cross

Quote Topics by David Cross: Funny Thinking People Humor Ideas Writing Believe Kids New York Mean Different America Talking Guy Yelling Want Country Years White War Upset Reality Views Children Firsts Drug Kind Political Comedy Way
9.
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"
David Cross

10.
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.
David Cross

11.
It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor—which people like in America—all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride.
David Cross

12.
I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also, Antwerp was my smallest audience, so the guy was right there. I was like, "What?" He said, "Dave Attell does a bit about, 'Why are there luggage stores in the airport?'" I had never seen that, and I would never ever, ever, ever - please believe me - I would never lift material from somebody ever, and certainly not knowingly.
David Cross

13.
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!
David Cross

14.
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
David Cross

15.
I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with.
David Cross

16.
I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.
David Cross

17.
You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.
David Cross

18.
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
David Cross

19.
I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.
David Cross

20.
There's the disingenuous duplicitousness, but you can apply that to every politician, really.
David Cross

21.
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.
David Cross

22.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.
David Cross

23.
The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.
David Cross

24.
I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him.
David Cross

25.
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.
David Cross

26.
I stand by everything I said. I absolutely can defend my material, and I take issue with people who say, "It's just shock value. It's not even funny." I disagree. There's different ways to be funny and to be a comedian.
David Cross

27.
I do not want to encourage heckling and outbreaks at all.
David Cross

28.
I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.
David Cross

29.
I know this is obviously biased as well, but in my Twitter feed, on my Facebook, 90 percent are gushing, glowing, "Thank you for doing that" - type of reviews. "It's ballsy, it's honest, it's hilarious" - that kind of stuff. Obviously those are fans.
David Cross

30.
Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
David Cross

31.
We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.
David Cross

32.
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.
David Cross

33.
There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.
David Cross

34.
I did one of the worst shows for that kind of thing in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is one of the most liberal spots on the planet. There were numerous people who walked out, somebody had thrown a beer, I had people yelling and screaming.
David Cross

35.
There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.
David Cross

36.
I'm very vocal about my belief that all religion is garbage. Most of my friends are religious or at least spiritual. These are people I like and I know are intelligent. It's this thing that I carry around. I know I'd be a better person if I was fairer, but it's at the core of who I am and what I believe.
David Cross

37.
I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.
David Cross

38.
I am truly passionate and concerned about the lack of empathy that people show towards one another.
David Cross

39.
That's what social media is, that's what Twitter is, that's what Facebook posts are. It's just really anti-intellectual.
David Cross

40.
I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.
David Cross

41.
I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.
David Cross

42.
I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.
David Cross

43.
What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'
David Cross

44.
What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?
David Cross

45.
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
David Cross

46.
If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.
David Cross

47.
It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet.
David Cross

48.
Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.
David Cross

49.
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
David Cross

50.
I'm going to keep talking about what I think is interesting for my entire career. If you want to hear about how women do a lot of shoe shopping or how being married sucks, go see the guy who does jokes about that. But if you come to see my live show, there's going to be 20 minutes on religion for the rest of my life, probably. If that makes me a caricature, so be it.
David Cross