Demetri Martin Quotes

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".