1.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
2.
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler
3.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Elayne Boosler
4.
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
Elayne Boosler
5.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
Elayne Boosler
6.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler
7.
My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
Elayne Boosler
8.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler
9.
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Elayne Boosler
10.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
Elayne Boosler
11.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.
Elayne Boosler
12.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
Elayne Boosler
13.
I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?
Elayne Boosler
14.
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.
Elayne Boosler
15.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler
16.
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
Elayne Boosler
17.
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
Elayne Boosler
18.
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Elayne Boosler
19.
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!
Elayne Boosler
20.
I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.
Elayne Boosler
21.
People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.
Elayne Boosler
22.
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.
Elayne Boosler
23.
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
Elayne Boosler
24.
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler
25.
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
Elayne Boosler
26.
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
Elayne Boosler
27.
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
Elayne Boosler
28.
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
Elayne Boosler
29.
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
Elayne Boosler
30.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Elayne Boosler
31.
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
Elayne Boosler
32.
I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
Elayne Boosler
33.
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
Elayne Boosler
34.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
Elayne Boosler
35.
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
Elayne Boosler
36.
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.
Elayne Boosler
37.
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
Elayne Boosler
38.
Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
Elayne Boosler
39.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Elayne Boosler
40.
For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.
Elayne Boosler
41.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler
42.
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.
Elayne Boosler
43.
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.
Elayne Boosler
44.
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
Elayne Boosler
45.
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
Elayne Boosler
46.
Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.
Elayne Boosler
47.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
Elayne Boosler
48.
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
Elayne Boosler
49.
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
Elayne Boosler
50.
The message of great art is to disturb.
Elayne Boosler
