Eoin Colfer Quotes

I don't like lollipops.

And one more thing. About my name — Artemis — you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.

Artemis Fowl will never be secondary." "I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?" said Holly.

Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them.

Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told. --Artemis Fowl

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.

I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?

Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface.

Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team

I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.

Together we will be unstoppable.

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell.

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.

This was a nightmare scenario for any bodyguard: stuck in the middle of a transparent tube, several miles underwater, with a murdering band of fugitives at one end and an enthralled but still highly skilled police officer at the other.

You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.

Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.

Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?

The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you're not going to stop just because one series is over; you're going to go and find something else.

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you to wax, Artemis" "Foaly is singing," said Holly. "Surely that's illegal?

A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.

Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.

I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?

If Elmore Leonard met Jim Thompson down a dark alley at midnight they might emerge a week later with thick beards, bloodshot eyes and the manuscript for THE BIG O.

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

Stupid. Stupid. Foaly, we are both imbeciles. I don't expect lateral thinking from the LEP, but from you..." ... "What is it?" [Holly] asked, afraid of the answer, which must surely be terrible. "Yeah," agreed Foaly, who always had time to feel insulted. "Why am I an imbecile?

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do.

There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom.

Trust me. I'm a genius.

Orion brightened. "I have an idea." "Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained. "Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

Im riding a troll! i was born to do this,and steal stuff, and EAT LOADS!

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it. This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.' 'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.' 'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly.

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.

Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.

(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face!

Chaos reigned, and the survivalists eagerly unwrapped the kidskin from their crossbows. Phase one of Opal's plan was complete.

Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.

Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.