Jimmy Carr Quotes

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

How many airports are there in the world?

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.