Joe Bob Briggs Quotes

I AM a male chauvinist. Who's been saying otherwise?

The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle.

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's.

Everything changed in Bosnia, when General Wesley Clark proved that you could fight a war with high- level precision air strikes and a bare minimum of ground action.

If you hate what you're seeing, you call it sex and violence. If you like it, you call it "romance and adventure."

Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever.

It's not a crime to get drunk.

A universal draft is most often the instrument of Third World dictators.

As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager.

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

They'll give you an Oscar if they think you're about to drop dead. The problem with The Oscars is, the average age of The Academy is 84. They wheel those people in from Palm Springs and hook up their IVs and they vote. The people that go to movies are under the age of 28, for the most part, so there's this total disconnect between what the Academy thinks is a great movie and what the audience actually wants to see.

The movies that are honored at The Oscars are always a certain type: Old-fashioned. It's a bunch of well-made, old-fashioned movies that support our idea of ourselves. They uplift the human spirit. That's why horror films never even get nominated.

The fifties were when people started coming down on "juvenile delinquents," "hoodlums," "vandals"--anybody that was young, wore a motorcycle jacket, and didn't act polite around older people.

You're not a real Texan till you've been kicked out of every decent state in America.

I always remind people why The Oscars got started in 1928: It was an effort by the studios to suppress the unions. They started the Academy because all the screenwriters and directors and actors were unionizing, and they thought, "We'll have something that resembles a union, but that's completely controlled by the moneyed interests in Hollywood." That's what it's been all these years. It's something that reinforces Hollywood's image of itself. The Best Picture one year was Gandhi. Nobody watched Gandhi, but that's the kind of picture that always wins.

I hate The Oscars. The Oscars make me want to throw things at the TV. In the ancient history of The Oscars, people would go on and make political statements and get thrown off the stage, but the last great political statement, I think, was when Michael Moore started raging against Bush a few years back. Everybody booed him, even though I can't imagine Hollywood booing a guy who's bashing Bush. That was the last great spontaneous moment on The Oscars.

I love Martin Scorsese, but there's another indication of what The Oscars are all about. They've ignored Martin Scorsese for going on 35 years now, and I wouldn't be surprised if they passed him over again. He'll get one of The Oscars they give you at the end of your life because they feel guilty for never giving you an Oscar.

There is no post-9/11. Everything from now until the end of time is post-9/11.

I made the mistake of watching "A.I." on cable the week they showed it about 792 times, and I ended up watching it every time it was on.

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In some European theaters, it's still not uncommon to have a late start and three LONG intermissions, because people actually eat and drink and converse during the intermissions.

Speaking of things that'll make your head explode, "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" finally made it to the drive-in

Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke.

Faith is like a kernel of wheat.