Julie Klausner Quotes

Women who work for escort agencies that assign them out to prostitution dates at sushi restaurants know how to eat with chopsticks, and beyond that they are in every other way identical to other prostitutes. They’re not better looking; they’re not smarter; they’re not classier; they’re not more charming. They probably give more blowjobs than any reasonable woman, right? And they are empty inside, but it’s also society’s fault.

Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically.

A relationship book I once read told women to use the word fun whenever possible. The author claimed it had a subliminal aphrodisiac effect on men, who want a relaxed girl attached only to good times - the human equivalent of Diet Coke. This is not me.

My advice to women who habitually gravitate toward musicians is that they learn how to play an instrument and start making music themselves. Not only will they see that it's not that hard, but sometimes I think women just want to be the very thing they think they want to sleep with. Because if you're bright enough--no offense, Tawny Kitaen--sleeping with a musician probably won't be enough for you to feel good about yourself. Even if he writes you a song for your birthday. Don't you know that a musician who writes a song for you is like a baker you're dating making you a cake? Aim higher.

Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know.

Fear can be the result of admiration, or it can be a symptom of contempt.

Shirley MacLaine: what an asshole.

Do you think trees are the new birds? Don’t answer that right away.

When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do.

I'm not big on regret - until time travel actually exists, it seems like a waste of making yourself feel bad

I consider Greeks the Jews of the sea.

I’m really afraid of spiders and my own feelings.

Having one of your like dumb sort of stream of consciousness tweets used against you on a right wing website is the ultimate compliment.

Is it a different New York since Lou Reed died? It’s been a different New York since I saw him in his sweatpants at the Cozy Soup ‘n’ Burger.

All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth... have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word.

I just feel like I understand Cameron Diaz better than I ever have before, and I don’t like it. I don’t like to see everything I see. It’s like a magnifying mirror only soulful, and I’m not looking at her, I’m looking at us, you know? And our pores are huge.

Podcasts themselves cannot exist without the Internet - in a way they are a microcosm of the Internet.

There are good intentions behind many peoples conversion to veganism, including an admirable devotion to the well-being of animals and a justified skepticism about the crap the USDA allows manufacturers to put in our food. But its hard to ignore the often sanctimonious nature of what some nutritionists view as an extremist way of eating.

The kind of true-life writing that is fun to read - that makes an ally of the reader - is the kind that you are so nervous about putting down on paper that you lock the Word file with a secret password and encrypt it - and all of it.

If the Cowardly Lion were on RuPaul’s Drag Race, so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish.

Any woman I know can smell a boyfriend a mile away. Women are intuitive, they know when a guy is interested but he’s not going to be there for her in that boyfriend-y way.

It’s important to remember that Mark David Chapman really set a lot of trends: such as the trend of celebrities having bodyguards.

The only riot I’m okay with is a zoot suit riot.

We don’t use phones anymore in this day and age, yet she still phones things in.

What else don’t women like besides the Three Stooges? Tom Waits. Being hurt physically or emotionally.