Lewis Grizzard Quotes

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

Spring time is the land awakening.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Let's all start walking more and driving less.