1.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
Every day I rise and scour the Forbes list of the wealthiest people in America. If my name isn't there, I toil away at my job.
2.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
Robert Orben
3.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Robert Orben
4.
If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
Robert Orben
5.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben
6.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Robert Orben
7.
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
Robert Orben
8.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Robert Orben
9.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
10.
A compliment is verbal sunshine.
Robert Orben
11.
Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.
Robert Orben
12.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world
Robert Orben
13.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben
14.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Robert Orben
15.
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Robert Orben
16.
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
Robert Orben
17.
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
Robert Orben
18.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
Robert Orben
19.
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
Robert Orben
20.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Robert Orben
21.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Robert Orben
22.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Robert Orben
23.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Robert Orben
24.
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
Robert Orben
25.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Robert Orben
26.
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
Robert Orben
27.
Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always
high, and the results usually disappointing.
Robert Orben
28.
Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.
Robert Orben
29.
Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.
Robert Orben
30.
For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
Robert Orben
31.
Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
Robert Orben
32.
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Robert Orben
33.
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
Robert Orben
34.
Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
Robert Orben
35.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
Robert Orben
36.
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Robert Orben
37.
Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
Robert Orben
38.
Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
Robert Orben
39.
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Robert Orben
40.
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Robert Orben
41.
Individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben
42.
Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
Robert Orben
43.
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Robert Orben
44.
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
Robert Orben
45.
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
Robert Orben
46.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Robert Orben
47.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Robert Orben
48.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
49.
Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.
Robert Orben
50.
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Robert Orben