1.
When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.
Sam Ewing
When you eventually return to the place of your upbringing, you realise it is not the location itself that was missed, but rather the memories of your younger days.
2.
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
Sam Ewing
3.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Sam Ewing
4.
A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.
Sam Ewing
5.
A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
Sam Ewing
6.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
Sam Ewing
7.
When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.
Sam Ewing
8.
It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.
Sam Ewing
9.
Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.
Sam Ewing
10.
Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.
Sam Ewing
11.
If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.
Sam Ewing
12.
Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
Sam Ewing
13.
There's no thief like a bad movie.
Sam Ewing
14.
Parents who wonder where the younger generation is going should remember where it came from.
Sam Ewing
15.
The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends. They're always buying something we can't afford.
Sam Ewing
16.
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
Sam Ewing
17.
An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
Sam Ewing
18.
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.
Sam Ewing
19.
Life begins as a quest of the child for the man, and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child.
Sam Ewing
20.
We are all born into the world with nothing. Everything we acquire after that is profit.
Sam Ewing
21.
Fashions come and fashions go, but pockets are usually the same. There's little change in them.
Sam Ewing
22.
The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.
Sam Ewing
23.
Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.
Sam Ewing
24.
The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
Sam Ewing
25.
Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.
Sam Ewing
26.
Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long.
Sam Ewing
27.
Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.
Sam Ewing
28.
The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor.
Sam Ewing
29.
If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.
Sam Ewing
30.
Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms.
Sam Ewing
31.
Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.
Sam Ewing
32.
I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.
Sam Ewing
33.
Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.
Sam Ewing
34.
On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?
Sam Ewing
35.
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.
Sam Ewing
36.
Two things help to keep one's job. First, let the boss think he's having his own way. Second, let him have it.
Sam Ewing
37.
President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it.
Sam Ewing
38.
"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.
Sam Ewing
39.
When a husband says, "I run things in my home" he may mean the washing machine, the dishwasher and the vacuum cleaner.
Sam Ewing
40.
Don't drive as if you own the road; drive as if you own the car.
Sam Ewing
41.
If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light.
Sam Ewing
42.
Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall?
Sam Ewing
43.
A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.
Sam Ewing
44.
The brain is like a TV set; when it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
Sam Ewing
45.
Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in.
Sam Ewing
46.
Wouldn't you like to weigh what it says on your driver's license?
Sam Ewing
47.
Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.
Sam Ewing
48.
Some people are much like blisters-they don't show up until the work is done.
Sam Ewing
49.
Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.
Sam Ewing
50.
The sight of home looks best after you've traveled hundreds of miles to get away from it.
Sam Ewing