1.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
If you struggle to see the humor in yourself, I would gladly provide mirth on your behalf.
2.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Frank Zappa
The United States is a nation of statutes: poorly articulated and arbitrarily implemented.
3.
I can fluently speak five languages: English, emoji, sexting, sarcasm and sass.
Tyler Oakley
4.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.
Evan Esar
5.
Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.
Otto von Bismarck
6.
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Woody Allen
7.
People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Stephen King
8.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Fred Allen
9.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
10.
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
George Orwell
11.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Mark Twain
12.
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
13.
I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Ashleigh Brilliant
14.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
Burt Bacharach
15.
The clear problem of the outlawing of insult is that too many things can be interpreted as such. Criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, merely stating an alternative point of view to the orthodoxy, can be interpreted as insult.
Rowan Atkinson
16.
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
Andy Rooney
17.
Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.
Arthur Conan Doyle
18.
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
George Bernard Shaw
19.
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
Jeff Ross
20.
Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.
Orson Scott Card
21.
The best way to sell yourself to others is first to sell the others to yourself. Check yourself against this list of obstacles to a pleasing personality: interrupting others; sarcasm; vanity; being a poor listener; insincere flattery; finding fault; challenging others without good cause; giving unsolicited advice; complaining; attitude of superiority; envy of others' success; poor posture and dress.
Harold Geneen
22.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Andy Rooney
23.
Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising.
Tom Bodett
24.
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
Ashleigh Brilliant
25.
Satirists gain the applause of others through fear, not through love.
William Hazlitt
26.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
Will Rogers
27.
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.
Dave Barry
29.
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.
Lorrie Moore
31.
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
Carrie Fisher
33.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Peter Ustinov
34.
About time," Christian said. "Lissa and Adrian get the market share on worrying about you, but they're not the only ones. And someone needs to put Adrian in his place, you know. I can't do it all the time." "Thanks. It kills me to say this, but I missed you too. No one's sarcasm compares to yours in Russia.
Richelle Mead
35.
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane." "They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down." "Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed." Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
Cassandra Clare
36.
The arrow always tipped with ill nature and sarcasm is deadliest to him who sends it.
Prentice Mulford
38.
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Clarence Darrow
39.
The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.
Arthur Conan Doyle
41.
It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
Thomas Beecham
42.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Kin Hubbard
44.
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
Lenny Bruce
46.
There are more bad musicians than there is bad music.
Isaac Stern
47.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
Victor Borge
48.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
49.
Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.
James Thurber
50.
It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.
Christopher Moore