Will Rogers Quotes

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Personally, I have always felt that the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter...he's just got to know.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I would love to see Mr. (Henry) Ford in there, really. I don't know who started the idea that a President must be a Politician instead of a Business man. A Politician can't run any other kind of business. So there is no reason why he can run the U.S. That's the biggest single business in the World.

Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

There is nothing as easy as denouncing. It don't take much to see that something is wrong, but it does take some eyesight to see what will put it right again

The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover didn’t know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night, anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow’s hands.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

I remember when being liberal meant being generous with your own money.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

My forefathers didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they met the boat.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs

I was born on Nov. 4, which is election day ... my birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other days in the year.

Shrewdness in public life all over the world is always honored, while honesty in public men is generally attributed to dumbness and is seldom rewarded.

Now they got such a high inheritance tax on 'em that you won't catch these old rich boys dying promiscuously like they did. This bill makes patriots out of everybody. You sure do die for your country if you die from now on.