Tucker Max Quotes

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don't do anything-create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy-for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn't exist, we'd still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact; if you understand it, you understand men.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

But here's the thing about being honest: All the liars HATE you for it, and most of the people in the world are liars. They lie to their bosses, they lie to their families, they lie to themselves, they lie so much they don't even know they're lying anymore. If you have the courage to be honest even a little bit all those people will hate you for it, because their lie is reflected in your honesty. Oscar Wilde wasn't kidding when he said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them

I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

And I’ve found that, what I now want the most in a woman is—I want a partner. I want someone who is my partner in life. Who supports me, and I support her. I can share all my experiences in life with her, and she can share hers back with me. Not only do we love each other, but we accept, embrace, nurture, and care for each other.

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway--the list goes on

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.

Obstacles are only obstacles if you see them as obstacles. They can also be called opportunities.

No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second.

Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy.

To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it -- and you'll eventually get it.

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

My path to wisdom began when I stopped pretending to know things I didn't know. When I explicitly admitted to the limits of my knowledge, stopped building on ambiguity and ignorance, and instead realized that I knew nothing, not even the things I thought I knew.

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.

Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes.

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.

The thing that I think about the most, and is the most rewarding to me, is the whole past. That I kind of went from nothing to something and I did it on my own, and I did it through hard work and smarts.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.

Hey man, can you talk to dolphins and pilot whales with that huge forehead of yours?

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.