A. P. Herbert Quotes

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity Are constructed with considerable care.

If nobody said anything unless he knew what he was talking about, a ghastly hush would descend upon the earth.

Elderly gentlemen, gentle in all respects, kind to animals, beloved by children, and fond of music, are found in lonely corners of the downs, hacking at sandpits or tussocks of grass, and muttering in a blind, ungovernable fury elaborate maledictions which could not be extracted from them by robbery or murder. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behavior not otherwise excusable.

Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there.

Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain. Fancy giving money to the Government! Nobody will see the stuff again. Well, they've not idea what money's for- Ten to one they'll start another war. I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! Fancy giving money to the Government!

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

My ball is in a bunch of fern, A jolly place to be; An angry man is close astern- He waves his club at me. Well, let him wave-the sky is blue; Go on, old ball, we are but two-We may be down in three, Or nine-or ten-or twenty-five-It matters not; to be alive, Is good enough for me.

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.

Let's find out what everyone is doing, And then stop everyone from doing it.

A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist.

aven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.

Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain.

An act of God was defined as something which no reasonable man could have expected.

As my poor father used to say In 1963, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee! And what my father used to say Is good enough for me.

This high official, all allow, is grossly overpaid; there wasn't any Board, and now there isn't any Trade.

Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.

The rain is plentious but, by God's decree, Only a third is meant for you and me; Two-thirds are taken by the growing things Or vanish Heavenward on vapour's wings: Nor does it mathematically fall With social equity on one and all. The population's habit is to grow In every region where the water's low: Nature is blamed for failings that are Man's, And well-run rivers have to change their plans.

A dull speaker, like a plain woman, is credited with all the virtues, for we charitably suppose that a surface so unattractive must be compensated by interior blessings.

The essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch.

The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance.

Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much.

Greenfly, it's difficult to see Why God, who made the rose, made thee.

Harriet, Hi! Light of my eye! Come to the pictures and have a good cry, For it's jolly old Saturday, Mad-as-a-hatter-day, Nothing-much-matter-day-night!

For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.