Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.