David Spade Quotes

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

I have no detectable hair style.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

I never dated much in high school or college.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.

Single guys get a bad rap.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible."

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?

With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.