1.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
David Spade
2.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
David Spade
3.
Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.
David Spade
4.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
David Spade
5.
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
David Spade
6.
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
David Spade
7.
I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.
David Spade
8.
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
David Spade
9.
Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.
David Spade
10.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
David Spade
11.
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
David Spade
12.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
David Spade
13.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
David Spade
14.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
David Spade
15.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
David Spade
16.
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.
David Spade
17.
I have no detectable hair style.
David Spade
18.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
David Spade
19.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
David Spade
20.
It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.
David Spade
21.
I never dated much in high school or college.
David Spade
22.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
David Spade
23.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
David Spade
24.
I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.
David Spade
25.
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
David Spade
26.
The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"
David Spade
27.
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
David Spade
28.
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.
David Spade
29.
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.
David Spade
30.
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.
David Spade
31.
As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.
David Spade
32.
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
David Spade
33.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
David Spade
34.
A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.
David Spade
35.
Single guys get a bad rap.
David Spade
36.
I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.
David Spade
37.
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.
David Spade
38.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
David Spade
39.
There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.
David Spade
40.
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.
David Spade
41.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
David Spade
42.
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible."
David Spade
43.
I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.
David Spade
44.
I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.
David Spade
45.
I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.
David Spade
46.
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?
David Spade
47.
With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.
David Spade
48.
Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.
David Spade
49.
Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.
David Spade
50.
It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.
David Spade
