Dorothy Parker Quotes

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second-greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first-greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Lady, lady, never start Conversation toward your heart; Keep your pretty words serene; Never murmur what you mean. Show yourself, by word and look, Swift and shallow as a brook. Be as cool and quick to go As a drop of April snow; Be as delicate and gay As a cherry flower in May. Lady, lady, never speak Of the tears that burn your cheek- She will never win him, whose Words had shown she feared to lose. Be you wise and never sad, You will get your lovely lad. Never serious be, nor true, And your wish will come to you- And if that makes you happy, kid, You'll be the first it ever did.

If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

I hate writing, I love having written.

If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

I'm not a writer with a drinking problem, I'm a drinker with a writing problem.

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I was the toast of two continents: Greenland and Australia.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away.

I can’t write five words but that I change seven.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

If you looked for things to make you feel hurt and wretched and unnecessary, you were certain to find them.

Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.

If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.

Woman wants monogamy; Man delights in novelty. Love is woman's moon and sun; Man has other forms of fun. Woman lives but in her lord; Count to ten, and man is bored. With this the gist and sum of it, What earthly good can come of it?

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporanea, And love is a thing that can never go wrong, and I am Marie of Romania.

I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Daily dawns another day; I must up, to make my way. Though I dress and drink and eat, Move my fingers and my feet, Learn a little, here and there, Weep and laugh and sweat and swear, Hear a song, or watch a stage, Leave some words upon a page, Claim a foe, or hail a friend- Bed awaits me at the end.

I don't want to be classed as a humorist. It makes me feel guilty. I've never read a good tough quotable female humorist, and I never was one myself. I couldn't do it. A "smartcracker" they called me, and that makes me sick and unhappy. There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!

I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money.

Genius can write on the back of old envelopes but mere talent requires the finest stationery available.

Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.