Funny Life Quotes

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Life is just a bowl of cherries, don't take it serious, its mysterious. Life is just a bowl of cherries, so live and laugh and laugh at love, love a laugh, laugh and love.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.

A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Life is a near-death experience.

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

A mother is the best friend God ever gave.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.