Bill Maher Quotes

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

False hope really makes you cynical.

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

I feel like I'm wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.

At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.

You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.

Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into the mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby... That's the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He's not even a liberal.

Have you ever met a war you didn't love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?

Denying racism is the new racism.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They're sweet. They're loving. They're kind, but they don't mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.

The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach.

If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan.