Funny Love Quotes

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

If you have nothing but love for your avocados, and you take joy in turning them into guacamole, all you need is someone to share it with.

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I love you like a fat kid love cake.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.

A light heart lives long.

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason

True friends stab you in the front.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Love loves to love love.

If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.

Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that's about as romantic as I can think of.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

Love is like war; easy to begin, hard to end.

If I had no sense of humor I should long ago have committed suicide.

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.

In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.