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Funny Love Quotes

1.
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I desire someone who is gentle and compassionate. Is this too much to anticipate from an affluent person?
Authors on Funny Love Quotes: Groucho Marx Oscar Wilde Doris Day Rodney Dangerfield Alexander Borodin James Joyce Carol Grace Jacques Deval Richard Pryor Lynda Barry Billy Connolly Gilbert K. Chesterton Paula Deen Ralph Waldo Emerson Johnny Carson Courteney Cox Helen Keller Zsa Zsa Gabor William Shakespeare Jason Mraz Benjamin Franklin Gene Perret Russell Brand Rita Rudner Anna Nicole Smith Gloria Steinem Caleb Followill Harlan Ellison Samuel Johnson Mason Cooley Curtis Jackson Helen Rowland Natasha Leggero
2.
If you have nothing but love for your avocados, and you take joy in turning them into guacamole, all you need is someone to share it with.
Jason Mraz

If you are devoted to your avocados, and find pleasure in making guacamole, all that's missing is a companion.
3.
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval

God cherished the birds and devised vegetation. Humans treasured the birds and created enclosures.
4.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Aristotle Onassis

If females did not inhabit the world, all wealth would be without consequence.
5.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns

6.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

7.
I love you like a fat kid love cake.
Curtis Jackson

8.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

9.
I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.
Greta Garbo

10.
A light heart lives long.
William Shakespeare

11.
"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."
Woodrow Wyatt

12.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

13.
Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason
Mason Cooley

14.
True friends stab you in the front.
Oscar Wilde

15.
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.
David Sedaris

16.
Love loves to love love.
James Joyce

17.
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn

18.
If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.
Doris Day

19.
Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.
David Levithan

20.
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
Lynda Barry

21.
The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
Colin Chapman

22.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Robert Orben

23.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Gloria Steinem

24.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
Richard Pryor

25.
Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
Elbert Hubbard

26.
In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.
Francois Truffaut

27.
I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.
Tallulah Bankhead

28.
The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
Charles de Gaulle

29.
If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that's about as romantic as I can think of.
Ryan Gosling

30.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin

31.
I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
Jack Benny

32.
Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
Harlan Ellison

33.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Johnny Carson

34.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
Larry David

35.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

36.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

37.
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

38.
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost

39.
I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.
Russell Brand

40.
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

41.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher

42.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West

43.
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
Tony Curtis

44.
Love is like war; easy to begin, hard to end.
Ann Brashares

45.
If I had no sense of humor I should long ago have committed suicide.
Mahatma Gandhi

46.
Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.
Natasha Leggero

47.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
Leonardo da Vinci

48.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

49.
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
Moliere

50.
In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.
Helen Rowland