1.
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I desire someone who is gentle and compassionate. Is this too much to anticipate from an affluent person?
2.
If you have nothing but love for your avocados, and you take joy in turning them into guacamole, all you need is someone to share it with.
Jason Mraz
If you are devoted to your avocados, and find pleasure in making guacamole, all that's missing is a companion.
3.
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval
God cherished the birds and devised vegetation. Humans treasured the birds and created enclosures.
4.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Aristotle Onassis
If females did not inhabit the world, all wealth would be without consequence.
5.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns
6.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
8.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
9.
I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.
Greta Garbo
11.
"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."
Woodrow Wyatt
12.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx
13.
Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason
Mason Cooley
15.
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.
David Sedaris
17.
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn
18.
If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.
Doris Day
19.
Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.
David Levithan
20.
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
Lynda Barry
21.
The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
Colin Chapman
22.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Robert Orben
23.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Gloria Steinem
24.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
Richard Pryor
25.
Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
Elbert Hubbard
27.
I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.
Tallulah Bankhead
28.
The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
Charles de Gaulle
29.
If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that's about as romantic as I can think of.
Ryan Gosling
30.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin
31.
I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
Jack Benny
35.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield
36.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
38.
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost
39.
I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.
Russell Brand
41.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
42.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West
43.
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
Tony Curtis
45.
If I had no sense of humor I should long ago have committed suicide.
Mahatma Gandhi
46.
Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.
Natasha Leggero
47.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
Leonardo da Vinci
48.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen
49.
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
Moliere
50.
In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.
Helen Rowland