1.
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
Jane Wagner
2.
Unless you are at a picnic, life is no picnic.
Jane Wagner
3.
I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!
Jane Wagner
4.
The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.
Jane Wagner
5.
It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
Jane Wagner
6.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.
Jane Wagner
7.
If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?
Jane Wagner
8.
I worry that our lives are like soap operas. We can go for months and not tune in to them, then six months later we look in and the same stuff is still going on.
Jane Wagner
9.
I worry that humanity has been "advanced" to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle.
Jane Wagner
10.
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
Jane Wagner
11.
You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin -- I wouldn't dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself.
Jane Wagner
12.
To think, we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth.
Jane Wagner
13.
People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to.
Jane Wagner
14.
A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?
Jane Wagner
15.
What you try to bury just ends up burying you.
Jane Wagner
16.
I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas.
Jane Wagner
17.
I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are.
Jane Wagner
18.
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I found it too confining. It was just too needful; it expected me to be there for it all the time, and with all I have to do--I had to let something go.
Jane Wagner
19.
Childhood comes at a time in your life when you are too young to understand what you are going through. And you're too young to understand that you are too young to understand.
Jane Wagner
20.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Jane Wagner
21.
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.
Jane Wagner
22.
Nothing makes you realize you don't know what you want more than getting what you want.
Jane Wagner
23.
The human mind is kind of like a piñata. When it breaks open, there's a lot of surprises inside. Once you get the piñata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience.
Jane Wagner
24.
I may not be great at geometry but I know one theorum. The longest distance between two points is you and your parents.
Jane Wagner
25.
... it's hard to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the same time.
Jane Wagner
26.
What is reality anyway! It's nothing but a collective hunch.
Jane Wagner
27.
At the moment you are most in awe of all there is about life that you don't understand, you are closer to understanding it all than at any other time.
Jane Wagner
28.
I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.
Jane Wagner
29.
Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu.
Jane Wagner
30.
To me the term "sexual feedom" meant freedom from having sex.
Jane Wagner
31.
My space chums think reality was once a primitive method of crowd control that got out of hand. In my view, it’s absurdity dressed up in a three-piece business suit.
Jane Wagner
32.
Infinity: Time on an ego trip.
Jane Wagner
33.
Ahhhhhhhh. There is nothing natural about natural childbirth. It is as close to a freak accident as anything I can think of. Why I picked a time like this to go off drugs?
Jane Wagner
34.
My mom says I have to be more positive, and I say life has to be more positive too or it's just not going to work.
Jane Wagner
35.
It's not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now. But if I were truly ambitious, I think I'd already be more than I am now.
Jane Wagner
36.
The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.
Jane Wagner
37.
Frankly, goin' crazy was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't say it's for everybody; some people couldn't cope.
Jane Wagner
38.
When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.
Jane Wagner
39.
I feel like my life is just passing me by like two ships in the night. And I have missed both boats.
Jane Wagner
40.
Like what's the point being a health nut by day if you're a coke head at night.
Jane Wagner
41.
If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should've evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest.
Jane Wagner
42.
Sex is such a personal thing - why do we insist on sharing it with another person?
Jane Wagner
43.
Reality is just a collective hunch.
Jane Wagner
44.
It's one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense.
Jane Wagner
45.
I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand.
Jane Wagner
46.
Of all the things we've learned, we still haven't learned where did this desire to want to know come from?
Jane Wagner
47.
If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.
Jane Wagner
48.
When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading.
Jane Wagner
49.
The truth can be made up if you know how.
Jane Wagner
