1.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
2.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Joe E. Lewis
3.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
Joe E. Lewis
4.
I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.
Joe E. Lewis
5.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
Joe E. Lewis
6.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
7.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
Joe E. Lewis
8.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
Joe E. Lewis
9.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
Joe E. Lewis
10.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
Joe E. Lewis
11.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
Joe E. Lewis
12.
I drink to forget I drink.
Joe E. Lewis
13.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
Joe E. Lewis
14.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
Joe E. Lewis
15.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Joe E. Lewis
16.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
Joe E. Lewis
17.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis
18.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
Joe E. Lewis
19.
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
Joe E. Lewis
20.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
Joe E. Lewis
21.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
Joe E. Lewis
22.
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
Joe E. Lewis
23.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
Joe E. Lewis
24.
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
Joe E. Lewis
25.
I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.
Joe E. Lewis
26.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
Joe E. Lewis
27.
I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.
Joe E. Lewis
28.
We can afford almost any mistake once.
Joe E. Lewis
29.
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
Joe E. Lewis
30.
I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.
Joe E. Lewis
