Joy Behar Quotes

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

As far as people communicating with each other well I think that listening is important. You know really trying to read between the lines of what some body is saying and trying to read their mind a little bit where there at because most people don't really say what they're feeling. Which is the bones of great literature.

I’m interested in so many different things and I’d like to cover a lot of territory. I’m trying to see my show as the Sunday Times. You have the Arts & Leisure section, you have the Op-Ed page, you have the Book Review...even the Style section has those wonderful essays about relationships.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Have four things going. I have stand-up comedy, two television shows and I'm working on a play. I like to work, and I fear that something could fall through. You know what they say: 'The show must go off.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

I think that comedy is a good defense for a child. Because you know childhood is a nightmare as it is. And so why not use comedy and being funny as a defense to get through your life as opposed to drugs, alcohol and good looks? Because those things are dangerous when your young.

I am comfortable with myself, and this is how I am. I am not really interested in having an acrimonious fight with somebody.

It's not interesting enough if you don't know who you are, what you want. You need to make educated decisions about your moves and talk to people who care about you. And you need to have people who will have your back.

Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?

I have a friend who actually told me that she'd rather be dead than be fat. This is a woman who, if I order a sandwich at lunch, she'll order a salad. If I order a salad, she'll order half a cantaloupe. If I order half a cantaloupe, she'll order a cup of coffee. This bizarre contest continues until she's down to sucking on a mint-flavored toothpick. At this rate, her preference for dying over being fat could be a reality sooner than she thinks.

I think it’s interesting to me to talk to people who don’t agree with me all the time.

I interviewed Ann Coulter when I was sitting in for Larry King a couple of times, and we have a rapport. I like to talk to her.

Is there such a thing as a man-made stroke? In other words, did someone do this to (Democratic Senator Tim Johnson)? ...I know what this [Republican] party is capable of.

You can see a lot of politics on a lot of different channels. I'm not interested, really, in talking in some wonky conversation about politics, though. It's not my speed. I'm not interested in the ins and outs of health care.

I mean, I'd like to see (Mitt Romney's) house burn, one of his millions of houses burning down. It would be kind of cool - the Mormon fire patrol.

He's a terrorist. Rush Limbaugh is a terrorist.

The Republicans do not have feeling for people who are in bad shape.

I don't know what it's going to take for people to really wake up and understand that they [the Bush administration] are liars and they are murderers.

I want a man in my life, not in my house.

I think looks do matter on television.

If you have trouble with finding things you should get into some kind of therapy with a good therapist if you need, I mean I just believe in therapy for everybody. I really do. I don't think any body can escape it.

I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way.

As Socrates I believe said the unexamined life is not worth living. I believe that's true. I do believe that.

When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone.

You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!

I read the 'New York Times', I read 'The Nation', I read 'Newsweek', I read 'Time Magazine', I read 'Politico', I read 'Mediaite'. This is what I do! I read every day, I have interests, I'm like everybody out there who's watching, who's out there watching, you know?

I've been through many years of psychotherapy, psycho-drama, I've taken risks in my life. I've had trials and tribulations just like every body else. You have to really think about who you are. You can't just go through life and sail threw.

I feel bad for young people. The 20s are a nightmare also. The 20s are hard to do.

I do like talk shows. I'm interested in talking to people.

It's a completely useless emotion - jealousy. I don't go there.

Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria.

What daughter thinks of her parents in flagrante delicto? Yet, my mother, even after years with him, dropped hints such as, 'You know, your father enjoys his matinees.' I never even saw them go to the movies together. What could she mean? All those afternoons, I thought she was upstairs listening to La Traviata, and those high notes apparently were not coming from the radio.

I don't want to do just a liberal show.

It seemed like the right time. You reach a point when you say to yourself, ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’ There are other things on my plate I want to do — I’ve been writing a play, I’ve been neglecting my standup.

I don't profess to be an expert on anything, or have the memory for who ran in 1952. I am an informed American citizen, that's my position.

Monogamy is monotonous, but it's safe you know. And that's my philosophy. And I like to convey that to people.

I feel like when being raised in New York City I have a particular perspective on things like Gay issues maybe, because I'm in the middle of Manhattan.

You really have to know who you are. It takes, uh it's not that easy.