David Letterman Quotes

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

Them bats is smart. They use radar!

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.