Kathy Griffin Quotes

No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there.

I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.

The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.

I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.

I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.

I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don't like this whole climate of, 'You can't ever say anything bad about the group I'm in, cause every group is untouchable.' We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want.

I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn't get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.

I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it.

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.

I have a no-apology policy.

I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.

Always and Forever is a Grandmothers love

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.

It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.

So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.

When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you!

Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.

Do you remember a little phenom called step aerobics? If you do, then you know how crazy it was to take two ninety-minute classes in a row. It’s incredible that I didn’t die from a blunt injury to the back of my head from slipping on my own pool of sweat.

I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone it's a joke!

I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.

A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.

I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.

Why would you want to keep the bluebird houses mounted in a place that you now know is unsafe for them? Bluebirds are not ornaments for pictures, they are living things that deserve your best effort if you are going to be a landlord to them. There is no magic spell that will protect those bluebirds--they have to depend on you or they are doomed.

I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there.

Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.

I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.

That's life when you're on the D-list.

I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.

I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.

I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.

The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

I did feel very sexy and desirable. Those prisoners looked at me like no man ever did. I don't care how many people they killed.

I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be... ahm... voluptuous!

I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly.

I believe fully in making fun of children. I believe very strongly that you should never make fun of an embryo or your ovaries. I am a big believer on breaking those rules. It's a case-by-case basis. But the thing is, there's so many ways to make a joke about something that is sort of maybe verboten or something.

Well, Jon Hamm isn't a real celebrity.

I am what you call a non-believer. I don't even want to say I'm an atheist because frankly I don't want to join their club either. But the point is, I am a fallen catholic, I'm not religious, and that's all well and good.

When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, there is nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.

Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.

My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.

I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.