Mort Sahl Quotes

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.

I found people looked better when they laughed

I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels running the government.

If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.

You haven't lived until you've died in California

If you can't join them, beat them.

The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department.

Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

You know me, I love lost causes.

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.