1.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
I relish the companionship of marriage. It's such a joy to have found that one special individual with whom you can happily exasperate for eternity.
2.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
3.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
4.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Rita Rudner
5.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Rita Rudner
6.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner
7.
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
Rita Rudner
8.
I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner
9.
I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'
Rita Rudner
10.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
11.
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."
Rita Rudner
12.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Rita Rudner
13.
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
Rita Rudner
14.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
Rita Rudner
15.
I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.
Rita Rudner
16.
In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
Rita Rudner
17.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
18.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Rita Rudner
19.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
20.
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner
21.
A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner
22.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
Rita Rudner
23.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner
24.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
25.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Rita Rudner
26.
Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Rita Rudner
27.
Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.
Rita Rudner
28.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner
29.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner
30.
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
Rita Rudner
31.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner
32.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner
33.
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Rita Rudner
34.
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Rita Rudner
35.
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
36.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
37.
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
Rita Rudner
38.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
Rita Rudner
39.
If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
Rita Rudner
40.
You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
Rita Rudner
41.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner
42.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.
Rita Rudner
43.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner
44.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner
45.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner
46.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner
47.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner
48.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
49.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Rita Rudner
50.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner
