Wilson Mizner Quotes

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

What feeling is so nice as a child's hand in yours? So small, so soft and warm, like a kitten huddling in the shelter of your clasp.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

Failure has gone to his head.

A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

Easy street is a blind alley.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.