1.
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.
Wilson Mizner
Treat others with kindness and respect during your ascent, for you may encounter them again in your descent.
2.
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
Wilson Mizner
3.
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.
Wilson Mizner
4.
A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.
Wilson Mizner
5.
The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.
Wilson Mizner
6.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
Wilson Mizner
7.
God help those who do not help themselves.
Wilson Mizner
8.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Wilson Mizner
9.
In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.
Wilson Mizner
10.
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
Wilson Mizner
11.
Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.
Wilson Mizner
12.
The first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner
13.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
Wilson Mizner
14.
The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.
Wilson Mizner
15.
The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.
Wilson Mizner
16.
The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.
Wilson Mizner
17.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.
Wilson Mizner
18.
I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.
Wilson Mizner
19.
I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
Wilson Mizner
20.
Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.
Wilson Mizner
21.
I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.
Wilson Mizner
22.
What feeling is so nice as a child's hand in yours? So small, so soft and warm, like a kitten huddling in the shelter of your clasp.
Wilson Mizner
23.
To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.
Wilson Mizner
24.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner
25.
A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.
Wilson Mizner
26.
I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.
Wilson Mizner
27.
There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.
Wilson Mizner
28.
If you count all your assets you always show a profit.
Wilson Mizner
29.
I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'
Wilson Mizner
30.
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Wilson Mizner
31.
The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.
Wilson Mizner
32.
All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.
Wilson Mizner
33.
The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.
Wilson Mizner
34.
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
Wilson Mizner
35.
Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you
Wilson Mizner
36.
The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.
Wilson Mizner
37.
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
Wilson Mizner
38.
I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.
Wilson Mizner
39.
Failure has gone to his head.
Wilson Mizner
40.
A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.
Wilson Mizner
41.
It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.
Wilson Mizner
42.
He's a trellis for varicose veins.
Wilson Mizner
43.
Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.
Wilson Mizner
44.
Easy street is a blind alley.
Wilson Mizner
45.
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
Wilson Mizner
46.
Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.
Wilson Mizner
47.
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
Wilson Mizner
48.
I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.
Wilson Mizner
49.
I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.
Wilson Mizner
50.
Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner
