Amy Sedaris Quotes

Well I went to New Orleans to cover the jazz festival for Trio, it's this new arts channel, it's really great.

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.

although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.

Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.

I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.

You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market.

Crafting is putting ideas into action and then holding them together with an inexpensive adhesive.

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

I'm not ambitious when it comes to my acting career. I'm not breaking down my agency's doors or sending out headshots. Even when I'm offered work, I always want small parts. When it comes to things that other people have written, I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrible at memorizing a script and reading lines. I get confused and I don't understand and it just looks fake to me. It's more difficult for me to be creative that way.

I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.

I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.

I like to make things, but I looked at old craft books on weaving or mosaics or whatever, I'm like, 'I don't really know anything about that stuff.'

I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of someone, a waitress, being responsible for my evening. I like seconds, and more, and lots of conversation, and I've always hated the idea that in a restaurant an evening just ends. I find that incredibly depressing.

I swear I want to be a food model.

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They don't like to see an ugly lady.

Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.

Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.

I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.

It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high.

I have no desire to carry a movie.

But I love how people who are musical, they know how to dress.

I've never played anyone who didn't like themselves. I don't care if they're unattractive, but it's important that they think of themselves as attractive. And I guess that's part of their charm.

That's why I love improvisational theater so much - you do it [scene] once and then it's done. You don't get bogged down with a lot of preplanning and repetition. If I do something and it gets a laugh, I don't want to do it again. Why bother? I'm just repeating myself. It's boring.

I failed first grade, which is my biggest problem. You always feel like a failure, like you're stupid.

I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to make things. I don't break that down to be weakness, or the only things women can do, or putting me back 20 years.

They just expected it to you know... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wanted to, but I kind of liked the way it was more of a cult thing and those that liked it, liked it, you know what I mean?

Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.

If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.

Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.

I always find something to keep me busy.

I've never done heroin or slept with people for money or anything.

I'm drawn to real-life characters. A lot of the characters I play, I've had in me since second grade. I've been dragging them around my entire life, and then sometimes I marry them with different people. But seldom have I really come up with a new character. In my head it's like, "I'll pull that person out that I've been doing since sixth grade and see where they're at right now.".

I am an aging Girl Scout.

I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like.

I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time.

When I meet a new person, something has to be a little off for me to consider them beautiful. It could be crooked teeth, or veins in their skin that are a little too visible, or a really dramatic lazy eye. The first guy I ever kissed had a water head.

My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good.

My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.