1.
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
Andy Borowitz
2.
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Andy Borowitz
3.
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.
Andy Borowitz
4.
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
Andy Borowitz
5.
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.
Andy Borowitz
6.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
7.
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Andy Borowitz
8.
If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.
Andy Borowitz
9.
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
Andy Borowitz
10.
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Andy Borowitz
11.
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
Andy Borowitz
12.
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
Andy Borowitz
13.
Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.
Andy Borowitz
14.
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.
Andy Borowitz
15.
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz
16.
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
Andy Borowitz
17.
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Andy Borowitz
18.
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Andy Borowitz
19.
A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
Andy Borowitz
20.
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
Andy Borowitz
21.
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
Andy Borowitz
22.
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Andy Borowitz
23.
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz
24.
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
Andy Borowitz
25.
The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
Andy Borowitz
26.
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Andy Borowitz
27.
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
Andy Borowitz
28.
The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
Andy Borowitz
29.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy Borowitz
30.
Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
Andy Borowitz
31.
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
Andy Borowitz
32.
Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
Andy Borowitz
33.
Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Andy Borowitz
34.
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
Andy Borowitz
35.
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
Andy Borowitz
36.
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
37.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Andy Borowitz
38.
US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
Andy Borowitz
39.
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Andy Borowitz
40.
Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.
Andy Borowitz
41.
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
Andy Borowitz
42.
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
Andy Borowitz
43.
John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.
Andy Borowitz
44.
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
45.
I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Andy Borowitz
46.
NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
Andy Borowitz
47.
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.
Andy Borowitz
48.
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Andy Borowitz
49.
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
Andy Borowitz
50.
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
Andy Borowitz
