Comedian Quotes

In the stand-up comedy top, there's room for everyone - if you're good, there's room for everyone. You'll put on your own show - no one casts you. You cast your own show as a stand-up comedian. When you get good at stand-up comedy you book a theater and if people show up, people show up. If people don't show up, people don't show up. You don't have a director or a casting agent or anybody saying if you're good enough - the audience will decide.

There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it.

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Look at what you could have won!

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I could be a comedian. I could be a gangster. I could play all of those parts, even for the first time... I'm versatile.

I never really thought of myself as a sex goddess; I felt I was more a comedian who could dance.

Comedians and impressionists used to be two different showbiz animals entirely, but now there's no such thing as a comedian who doesn't do impressions.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.

Physics is very muddled again at the moment; it is much too hard for me anyway, and I wish I were a movie comedian or something like that and had never heard anything about physics!

Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you.

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it's out there it's out there for life.

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

All comedians are people who really deeply consider the human experience not only a dirty trick perpetrated by a totally meaningless procedure of accidents, but an unbearable ordeal every day, which can be made tolerable only by mockery in one form or another.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

I wanted to do - there was this film called 'Magic' that Anthony Hopkins did. And the director wanted me. The writer wanted me. Joe Levine said no, I don't want any comedians in this.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

What really got my goat at MGM were comedians like The Marx Brothers who never wrote their own jokes.

I'm a very straightforward person. But that's fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you're talking about everyone else.

When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian.

To have a reputation for being noble, she thought, is more confining than to be known as a wit. On the rare days when a comedian has no jokes, people pardon the lapse. There is no forgiving a saint's occasional day of sin.

Nerd. One whose unbridled passion for something defines who they are as a person, without fear of other people's judgment.

I find comedians to be the biggest cocksuckers, because they don't want people to know how easy it is.

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Once or twice I`ve been described as a light comedian. I consider this the most accurate description of my abilities I`ve ever seen.

To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.

Performers like Tommy Cooper, who are always getting things wrong, are much more endearing than comedians who are sassy and smart.