Conan O'Brien Quotes

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'

Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.

President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'

Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.'

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.

To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion.

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.

A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.

Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.

Nobody knows really what they're doing and there's two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it.

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.

In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, 'Hey, you know what's a larger habitat?' THE OCEAN.

Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.

It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace.

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'