Dana Gould Quotes

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.