1.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
I petitioned the Almighty for a bicycle, but I comprehend God doesn't function like that. Subsequently, I purloined a bike and pleaded for absolution.
2.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
A machine outdid me in chess, but I had the upper hand in kickboxing.
3.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
4.
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
5.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
6.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
7.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
8.
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Philips
9.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
10.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
11.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
12.
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".
Emo Philips
13.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
14.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
Emo Philips
15.
People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
16.
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
17.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
18.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
19.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Emo Philips
20.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
21.
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
Emo Philips
22.
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
Emo Philips
23.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
Emo Philips
24.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips
25.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
Emo Philips
26.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
27.
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
28.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Emo Philips
29.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
30.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
31.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
32.
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
Emo Philips
33.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
34.
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
Emo Philips
35.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
36.
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
37.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Emo Philips
38.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
39.
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
40.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
Emo Philips
41.
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
42.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
43.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
44.
They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
45.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
46.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
47.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Emo Philips
48.
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
49.
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
50.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.
Emo Philips
