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Funny Marriage Quotes

1.
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
Sigmund Freud

If you want your wife to be attentive, then converse with another female; she will be captivated.
Authors on Funny Marriage Quotes: Russell M. Nelson Bob Hope Bette Davis James E. Faust Adam Ferrara Bob Monkhouse Kin Hubbard Henny Youngman Kathy Lette Sam Kinison Chic Murray Kristen Schaal Rodney Carrington Artie Shaw Dorothy Parker Jerry Seinfeld Sidonie Gabrielle Colette Bruce C. Hafen Peter De Vries Gloria Steinem Heather Locklear Tina Fey Chris Rock Lord Byron Rosanna Arquette W. Somerset Maugham David Niven Jim Carrey Sigmund Freud Ezra Taft Benson Gracie Allen Tommy Cooper William Rehnquist
2.
It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !
Akbar

3.
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
Kin Hubbard

4.
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
Shelley Winters

5.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Sam Kinison

6.
Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.
Heather Locklear

7.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
Bob Hope

8.
Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.
Russell M. Nelson

9.
There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'
William Cosmo Monkhouse

10.
An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.
Bette Davis

11.
All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.
Lord Byron

12.
We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.
Thomas Mann

13.
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
Jim Norton

14.
The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."
William Rehnquist

15.
Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.
Oscar Wilde

16.
You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.
Artie Shaw

17.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle

18.
You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?
Gracie Allen

19.
The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.
Dorothy Parker

20.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
Bob Monkhouse

21.
If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.
Simone Signoret

22.
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
Robert Frost

23.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

24.
When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.
Helen Rowland

25.
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman

26.
I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'
Aries Spears

27.
It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.
C. Northcote Parkinson

28.
According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.
Tina Fey

29.
An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.
Ann Landers

30.
I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.
Brendan Behan

31.
Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.
E. W. Howe

32.
Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.
Bruce C. Hafen

33.
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
Rodney Carrington

34.
Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
Carol Leifer

35.
If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.
Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

36.
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
Bob Monkhouse

37.
Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.
Russell M. Nelson

38.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Jeff Foxworthy

39.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
Bob Hope

40.
And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.
Dodie Smith

41.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Tommy Cooper

42.
Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.
Peter De Vries

43.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman

44.
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
Adam Ferrara

45.
The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever.
Russell M. Nelson

46.
Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.
Aristotle

47.
Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.
W. Somerset Maugham

48.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
Chic Murray

49.
Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.
David Niven

50.
Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.
Dave Barry