Funny Marriage Quotes

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.

We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.

I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever.

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize Redemption Center.