Funny Relationship Quotes

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.

Presence is more than just being there.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

You're 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him?

Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.

Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It's possible that both are right.

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

we love what we love and who we love who we love and why we love why we love and find a falling shoelace knotted and strung between the fingers of strangers

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change.

Seek Not Every Quality In One Individual.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

All diseases run into one, old age.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Tenderness emerges from the fact that the two persons, longing, as all individuals do, to overcome the separateness and isolation to which we are all heir because we are individuals, can participate in a relationship that, for the moment, is not of two isolated selves but a union

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Old age has deformities enough of its own. It should never add to them the deformity of vice.

Nothing is more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.

My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

Even when I begin with a situation that's basically funny or sad, I like to keep poking around in it. I like to get into the middle of a relationship, to explore the subtle places.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

Love, honor, and negotiate.

Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.

I believe marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman.