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Funny Relationship Quotes

1.
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
Charles M. Schulz

Authors on Funny Relationship Quotes: Rodney Dangerfield Ralph Waldo Emerson Oscar Wilde Jerry Seinfeld Roseanne Barr Zsa Zsa Gabor Ann Dunham Eleanor Roosevelt Jane Austen Bob Phillips Groucho Marx Cheryl Strayed Mason Cooley Israel Zangwill Malcolm Forbes Alan Loy McGinnis Ellen DeGeneres Jay Leno Ronnie Shakes Ambrose Bierce Leonardo da Vinci Rick Baker Chuck Palahniuk Mignon McLaughlin Marianne Faithfull Walter Matthau Erma Bombeck April Gornik Paul Mazursky Nora Ephron Robert Breault Confucius Mike Birbiglia
2.
Presence is more than just being there.
Malcolm Forbes

3.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Rodney Dangerfield

4.
In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
Jane Austen

5.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Helen Rowland

6.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

7.
Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.
Marianne Faithfull

8.
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

9.
I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.
Walter Matthau

10.
You're 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him?
Ann Dunham

11.
Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.
Rabindranath Tagore

12.
Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It's possible that both are right.
Mignon McLaughlin

13.
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?
Ashleigh Brilliant

14.
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
Bob Monkhouse

15.
we love what we love and who we love who we love and why we love why we love and find a falling shoelace knotted and strung between the fingers of strangers
Kami Garcia

16.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

17.
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

18.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Jay Leno

19.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
Leonardo da Vinci

20.
Seek Not Every Quality In One Individual.
Confucius

21.
I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change.
Somaly Mam

22.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

23.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

24.
Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.
Jacqueline Bisset

25.
I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.
Frank Skinner

26.
A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'
Ronnie Shakes

27.
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oscar Wilde

28.
All diseases run into one, old age.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

29.
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!
Dolly Parton

30.
The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

31.
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr

32.
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Jerry Seinfeld

33.
You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'
Ellen DeGeneres

34.
Tenderness emerges from the fact that the two persons, longing, as all individuals do, to overcome the separateness and isolation to which we are all heir because we are individuals, can participate in a relationship that, for the moment, is not of two isolated selves but a union
Rollo May

35.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Rodney Dangerfield

36.
When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.
Bill Ballance

37.
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
Roseanne Barr

38.
The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
Israel Zangwill

39.
Old age has deformities enough of its own. It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
Eleanor Roosevelt

40.
Nothing is more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.
Mason Cooley

41.
My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.
Chuck Palahniuk

42.
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.
Mark Twain

43.
Even when I begin with a situation that's basically funny or sad, I like to keep poking around in it. I like to get into the middle of a relationship, to explore the subtle places.
Paul Mazursky

44.
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
Will Rogers

45.
Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.
Nora Ephron

46.
Love, honor, and negotiate.
Alan Loy McGinnis

47.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
Ambrose Bierce

48.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfeld

49.
It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.
Rick Baker

50.
The appropriate age for marrige is around eighteen and thirty-seven for man
Aristotle