Mallory Ortberg Quotes

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.

If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."

Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.

Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.

So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten.

If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting."

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.

Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.

It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living.

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, "Yes, it bothers me." Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock.

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.

One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.

Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.

You may not be able to convince everyone around you that you're doing the right thing, but you don't have to subject yourself to endless second-guessing from others, either.

Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom.

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.

In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property.

It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.

I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.

It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course."

Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.

If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.

You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding.