1.
The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.
Sigmund Freud
The only disgrace in self-pleasure is the disgrace of not doing it proficiently.
2.
My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new.
Roddy Piper
My cohorts keep asserting I'm seeing Mary Palmer. That's incorrect - I'm too preoccupied pleasuring myself to encounter anyone fresh.
3.
Love is what makes sex more than masturbation. If there is no love even if you are really with a partner you masturbate with a partner.
Slavoj Žižek
4.
We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
Joycelyn Elders
5.
Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.
Thomas Szasz
6.
But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
Woody Allen
8.
I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.
John Mayer
9.
Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
James Joyce
10.
Everyone thinks their whole life should be at least as much fun as masturbation.
Chuck Palahniuk
11.
If masturbation is a crime then I should be on death row.
Jeremy Piven
12.
Women are denied masturbation even more severely than men and that's another method of control-they're not taught to please themselves.... Most women-it takes them a while to warm up to the "situation" but once they get into it, I'm sure they're going to get just as hooked as-well, everyone I know is!
Lydia Lunch
13.
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
Karl Kraus
14.
What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards.
Milos Forman
18.
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
Dana Gould
20.
I jerk off 'til I bust blood.
Cam'ron
22.
Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.
Matt Groening
23.
Contempt for others, like masturbation, is best as a secret pleasure.
Mason Cooley
24.
Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?
Robert Clark
25.
Well, one thing you can say for masturbation... you certainly don't have to look your best.
Mart Crowley
26.
It's what I call "mental masturbation", when you engage is some pointless intellectual exercise that has no possible meaning.
Linus Torvalds
27.
Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to.
Dudley Moore
28.
Masturbation is an absolutely peerless cure for the hiccups
Inga Muscio
29.
Do you know what 'masturbation' is? I think you probably do because you are older than me. But just in case, I will tell you. Masturbation is when you rub your genitals until you have an orgasm. Wow!
Stephen Chbosky
30.
I even made love to myself once. Uhh, I wasn't suppose to tell you that.
Gary B.B. Coleman
31.
I thought the whole masturbation thing was really odd and really weird.
Lynndie England
32.
Novels, except as aids to masturbation, play no part in contemporary life.
Gore Vidal
33.
When they say take from my body, I think I'll take from mine instead. Getting off, getting off while they're all down stairs.
Tori Amos
34.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
Bob Saget
35.
When I'm all alone and I'm by myself, little Peter keeps me company.
Red Peters
36.
Philosophy is to science as masturbation is to sex.
Karl Marx
37.
Writing a book is like masturbation, and making a movie is like an orgy.
Clive Barker
38.
The whole point is you're telling a story to an audience. So when there's no audience, it's like cinematic masturbation.
Mick Garris
39.
Writing is like a mental masturbation to me.
Li Na
40.
Sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines.
Frank Zappa
42.
They are this horrible thing where you are distorted. The chin is too big, the head is too small. No, this is electronic masturbation.
Karl Lagerfeld
43.
If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
Dennis Miller