1.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man.
Pat Paulsen
2.
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
Pat Paulsen
3.
Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.
Pat Paulsen
4.
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
Pat Paulsen
5.
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
Pat Paulsen
6.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
Pat Paulsen
7.
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.
Pat Paulsen
8.
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
Pat Paulsen
9.
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'
Pat Paulsen
10.
I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!
Pat Paulsen
11.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.
Pat Paulsen
12.
Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.
Pat Paulsen
13.
If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
Pat Paulsen
14.
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.
Pat Paulsen
15.
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
Pat Paulsen
16.
If elected, I will win.
Pat Paulsen
17.
Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'
Pat Paulsen
18.
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.
Pat Paulsen
19.
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
Pat Paulsen
20.
We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.
Pat Paulsen
21.
Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.
Pat Paulsen
22.
On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.
Pat Paulsen
23.
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.
Pat Paulsen
24.
It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.
Pat Paulsen
25.
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.
Pat Paulsen
26.
I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.
Pat Paulsen
27.
Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!
Pat Paulsen
28.
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?
Pat Paulsen
29.
Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.
Pat Paulsen
30.
They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!
Pat Paulsen
31.
I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.
Pat Paulsen
32.
Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.
Pat Paulsen
33.
Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.
Pat Paulsen
34.
So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.
Pat Paulsen
35.
I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.
Pat Paulsen
36.
As I've always said: The future lies ahead.
Pat Paulsen
37.
Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.
Pat Paulsen
38.
People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'
Pat Paulsen
39.
I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.
Pat Paulsen
40.
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.
Pat Paulsen
41.
Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.
Pat Paulsen
42.
Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.
Pat Paulsen
43.
The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.
Pat Paulsen
44.
Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.
Pat Paulsen
45.
Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?
Pat Paulsen
46.
The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.
Pat Paulsen
47.
I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?
Pat Paulsen
48.
Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
Pat Paulsen
49.
In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.
Pat Paulsen
50.
Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'
Pat Paulsen
